More Last Minute Halloween Costumes

Last Minute Halloween Costumes


1) Halitosis:
You Will Need:
• My girlfriend's dog
• Rope
• Noseplugs (optional)

Step 1: Get my girlfriend's shih tzu, Prince.
Step 2: Tie him to yourself, making sure to keep his stinky face aimed outward.
Note: Make sure to breathe through your mouth, this is an excellent costume if you have a stuffed nose due to a head cold or allergies. As a bonus, you can fart as much as you want and nobody will ever know.

Halitosis

2) Corn Field
You Will Need:
• A bunch of corn

Step 1: Get that corn all over you.
Note: Like, seriously, all over.

Corn Field

3) Sexy ghost
You Will Need:
• Your sexiest outfit

Step 1: Get together your most flattering, revealing and garish clothing.
Step 2: To complete the ghost effect, become invisible.
Note: Make sure that when you become invisible, your clothes become invisible as well. Otherwise you will just be another sexy invisible man.

Sexy Ghost

4) Ventriloquist
You Will Need:
• Am exceptionally short girlfriend or boyfriend.

Step 1: Grow into an adult and develop normally.
Step 2: Start dating someone who is like, 5 feet tall and 90 lbs.
Step 3: Take them with you.
Note: Keep them sitting on your lap, or to your side and slightly behind you to emphasize the height difference.

Ventriloquist

5) Sullen teenager
You Will Need:
• Old clothes
• Apathy

Step 1: Get a really cool idea for a costume, something original but recognizable, something that would impress a cosplayer. Get really excited about it.
Step 2: Get all your materials together 2 weeks before Halloween.
Step 3: Do nothing for two weeks, try to complete the costume the night before Halloween, realize you can't sew.
Step 4: Dress the same way you did in high school for ten years, and… hang on,  this really should have been Step 1.  Dammit, you see? This is why you can't get anything done on time, you never plan ahead. For fuck's sake, no wonder you haven't finished this costume.
Step 5: You know what? Fuck it. You don't need a costume anyway, that shit's for kids. Just wear an old t shirt and jeans and try not to look awkward when you eat that brain-shaped jello surrounded by people who can actually accomplish something on time.

Sullen Teenager

Patriotic comics from around the world

Last night I took another step towards being able to fully enjoy Joss Whedon's critically-acclaimed The Avengers by watching the mediocre Captain America: The First Avenger. It had its moments, but during most of the action scenes I found myself cleaning my fingernails and wondering about what comic book characters other countries came up with in times of conflict. Turns out there were a lot.

Germany; Hotzi and Klutzi
Nazi Germany's version of Goofus and Gallant taught children how to properly respect military authority without making embarrassing mistakes. The comic strip ran for 6 months until Klutzi was diagnosed with a mental disability and sent to a concentration camp.

North Korea; The Adventures of Kim Jong Fun!
North Korea's only state-sanctioned comic strip is published weekly in newspapers and consists of the titular character's adventures of toiling and lecturing. Government reports rank The Adventures of Kim Jong Fun to be the most-read comic strip in the world with an estimated 9.4 billion readers every week.

Uganda: Super Idi Amin
Written and illustrated by Idi Amin himself, this sporadically published comic book followed the conquests of Idi Amin and his crocodile sidekick named Queen Elizabeth as they conquered the world through military might and the hypnotic powers of Amin's penis. The comic didn't fare well due to it's numerous spelling errors and the distracting horizontal blue lines from the notebook paper it was drawn on.

France; Captain Guillotine
One of the world's oldest political cartoons / superheroes fought bravely against the enemies of the French Revolution from 1793-1795. Although extremely popular at first, after battling both Dark Lord Danton and Doctor Robespierre in 1794, Captain Guillotine's allies and enemies became harder to tell apart and audiences began to lose interest.

Turkey; SuperTurk
This patriotic superhero from Turkey used his super powers to fight against ethnic minorities. From 1930 through 1996 he fought a wide variety of archenemies including The Masked Armenian, The Kurdish Terror, The Assyrian Assassin, Doctor Orthodox, Zorba the Creep, and The Legion of Uppity Jews.

Vatican City; Pip-Pip: the World's Bravest Alter Boy
The small city-state of Vatican City publishes this bi-monthly comic book of a young boy Pip-Pip who possesses a superhuman ability to keep his mouth shut. Written in Latin, it is translated to over 16 languages but has never been printed in any of them as depictions of Pip-Pip's adventures violate most countries' obscenity laws.

Japan; Rapid Heartbeat Supreme Patriot Cat
Another publication from the WWII era, Doki Doki Yamato Neko followed the adventures of a blue-haired Japanese soldier whose secret identity was Emperor Hirohito's cat. Hungry for escapist fantasy, the war-weary Japanese population often criticized the premise as too realistic.

Election Time U.S. Government Trivia

Well, election season is entering into the playoffs and the whole nation has politics fever, so lets take a look at some phun phaktz* about US politics:

The Executive Branch:

• The United States has made huge advances in tolerance over the past century as evinced by the election of the first Catholic President in 1960, the first African-American President in 2008, and possibly the first Robot President in 2012. We will never have a married female president because "FGOTUS" doesn't roll off the tongue.

• From 1804 to 2006, the Office of the Vice President was not involved in a single shooting!

The Judicial Branch:

• The Supreme Court is the second-highest court in the United States, beneath the Supreme Basketball Court located on the top floor of the Supreme Court Building.

• The Supreme Court currently consists of 8 Justices who rule on the cases presented to them. Each of the 8 justices gets an equal say in the decision except for Antonin Scalia who votes a second time under the pseudonym "Clarence Thomas"

The Legislative Branch:

• Some states like Wyoming and Hawaii have as many or fewer Congresspersons as they do Senators. This is because those states are stupid losers.

• Even if the president vetoes a bill, the House and Senate can still pass it by a 2/3 majority. Notable examples of overridden vetoes include the Cutters and Steamers Revenue Act of 1845 , the War Powers Act of 1973, and the Franklin Pierce Can Go Fuck Himself Act of 1856.

State Governments:

• Some states have laws restricting what their elected officials can do after serving. In Florida, former governors cannot run for office for four years after serving 2 terms. In Illinois, former governors are sent to prison.

• Prior to the Voting Rights Act of 1965, fewer than 10% of African-Americans were able to vote in states south of the Mason-Dixon line. This was due to the Coriolis Effect.

The Parties:

• It recently came to light that in 2000 Ronald Reagan voted for Al Gore for president, but less well-known is the fact that in 2003 Gerald Ford voted for Larry Flynt in the California Gubernatorial recall election.

• The US president is not elected directly, but rather by the greatly esteemed and educated members of the Electoral College who vote with their parties. This system was set up to prevent an uninformed population from electing a disastrously unqualified president. The Founding Fathers' longest running ironic joke finally paid off in the year 2000.


*phaktz are not affiliated with facts.

4 More Historical Innacuracies in Titanic 3D !

This week, Titanic 3D was released on DVD and HD-DVD and VHS. Titanic 3D was the extremely successful digitally remastered re-release of the hit 1953 Barbara Stanwyck film Titanic.  A lot has already been written about some of the more glaring inaccuracies in the film, so I decided I'd concentrate on some of the areas other writers are too scared to mention. Here is a list of 4 more truths THE MEDIA DOES NOT WANT YOU TO KNOW!

1) Leonardo DiCaprio was never actually on the original R.M.S. Titanic!
Did you know that there is an entire list of passengers who were on board the Titanic? And that you can still look through it today? It's true! Go ahead and search it for yourself, and you'll find that nobody named Leonardo DiCaprio was even on board the R.M.S. Titanic, let alone died there. Talk about historical inaccuracy! You'd think that a director like Robert Wagner, who famously built a perfect 9/10 scale replica of the boat for Titanic 3D, would have been more keen on historical details.

2) Nobody was really that rude back then!
A lot has been said about how Titanic 3D's director was sued by the family of the ship's First Mate  for defamation because the film depicted him as an irresponsible, selfish maniac when in reality he was a hero who took enormous risks to save as many people as possible. Well, not only did Leonardo DiCaprio not die on the Titanic, he didn't die away from the Titanic either! In fact, he didn't die at all! So why hasn't he sued the filmmakers for making him act like such a jerk in the movie?
See, a romantic gentleman at that time in history would have quietly sacrificed himself for the sake of a lady's comfort, but not jerkface DiCaprio! At the end of the film, when Rose is laying safely on a large piece of floating debris, Leo just clings to it, passive-aggressively shaming her! Rose never offers to share her space on the raft, even to see if it will support both their weight, nor does she volunteer to take turns being in and out of the water. Of course, Leonardo isn't so ungentlemanly as to make that suggestion himself (that would have been TOO unbelievable!) so he just floats there until he dies, forever letting her know that if she had taken her place on the real lifeboat, that comfy spot on the floating driftwood could be his. And all this after calling her stupid!

3) The musicians went down playing the wrong song!
Remember that scene where the boat is sinking and the band stops escaping just to play a song with Celine Dion? Well, I've done a little research and discovered yet another glaring inaccuracy: That Celine Dion song wasn't even written until several decades AFTER the ship sank! In reality, the musicians on board the Titanic stopped to play a cleverly dark yet comical number to try and boost everybody's spirits: Another One Bites the Dust  by Queen. Also, I hate to be a nit-picker, but there are some historians who are skeptical that Celine Dion was even on board the real Titanic (some say it was likelier to have been a young Barbra Streisand.)

4) The twist ending: or was it?
The bulk of the film was told as a flashback narrated by Rose during a deep sea excavation meant to recover a priceless bracelet or something. After thousands of dollars and man hours are spent trying to recover the bracelet, Rose reveals to the crew that she's had it all along and then dumps it overboard. She has already let them know that she is more or less capable of murder, and they have no choice but to abandon their mission. It is one of the best twist-endings in movie history; like The Usual Suspects or Silence of the Lambs, where a cold-hearted psychopath gets away scot-free and rubs everyone's face in it. But how accurate is it?
A quick internet search reveals that the folklore regarding this sunken treasure didn't even exist until sometime around 1997, probably as some kind of internet glurge. In fact, the first time I heard it mentioned was in the Brittany Spears song Oops I did it Again, and again as a reference in an episode of Futurama. Somehow this story endured and ended up in Titanic 3D,  but like most urban legends it seems almost impossible to track down its origin. In any case, the real-life Rose took the truth to her grave when she died in 2010. I guess some mysteries are better left unsolved.