Today I unveil a new
form of writing that makes reading fun. That's right; reading isn't just for boring old nerds to do instead of football anymore! This is a
brand new form of article that doubles as a drinking game! Every time I
mention something stupid about a cat, I take a shot. You play along at
home, so don’t read this article if you are pregnant, or operating heavy
machinery, or if you are driving and also WHAT ARE YOU DOING KEEP YOUR
EYES ON THE ROAD, ASSHOLE!
Anyway, I have my
bottle of whiskey ready and shotglass full, so let’s get on with the game!
| #6: Lions |
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First of all, just look at this guy:
Ha! What the hell, lion? Who does your hair, an 80’s wuss-metal band? You look like an idiot! Ok, now we all take a shot for lions’ stupid hair, see how this works?
Also, did you know The Lion King totally lied to us? In the
real world, when a male lion takes over a pride, they kill all the babies
so they can make new ones with their own DNA in them. So in real life,
Scar would’ve slaughtered Nala and Simba on the spot and their mothers
would’ve just been like: “hey, don’t do… well, whatever, let’s have sex
now.” Wow, way to protect your children, ladies! Not only are they
terrible mothers, they are so stupid they can’t even count. The lionesses
do all the hunting, all for some lazy dumb-haired prick that probably just
killed all their babies, and it never occurs to them that a) They
are the well-trained killing machines and b) They totally outnumber him.
So why do they put up with his shit? Are they really that stupid?
Yes. Obviously. That’s why they’re on this list. Let’s all take
another shot for the dumb lionesses.
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| They don't make "World's Worst Mother" hats. |
| #5: Sabre-toothed Tigers |
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Well for starters, just look at those teeth:
That’s racist, tigers! You think you get to do that just because you’ve got Asian family members? You’re a bunch of jerks. But seriously, let’s look at those teeth again:
What the hell were they thinking they were going to do with those teeth? You can’t be too scary of a hunter when your teeth are so long you can’t fit any large animals in your mouth. And why are their eyes still way up on top of their heads like every cat? Now they have big stupid teeth AND no way of looking down at what whatever they’re going to be stabbing them at. So what’s a sabre-toothed tiger going to do?
Best they can do is find a small animal like a frog or a marmoset or
something, then stab blindly into the ground with their teeth and hope
they hit it, then cram it in the small space in their mouths between those
fangs and then go try and find another tiny creature to kill before they
starve to death. No wonder these idiots went extinct. Let’s all do a shot
for those stupid teeth.
| #4: Regular-toothed Tigers |
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Oh, shit. I had something here but I forgot it after that shot. I
think I was thinking of them because they are nearly extinct just like
sabre-tooth tigers are. But that’s not really stupid, it’s more just sad.
Did it have something to do with humans hunting them to eat their penises?
Cuz that’s more about stupid humans than stupid cats.
Uhm, orange and black stripes make shitty camouflage. Ok, now drink.
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| We can still see
you, idiot! . |
| #3: Snowball |
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Exhibit A:
Bwa ha ha ha! Look at the stupid idiot! Either he’s admitting he’s a stupid idiot or he’s too stupid to read, either way it makes him stupid. Everybody take a shot!
Oh! And also, this one time, he was looking in a paper bag, and some
little noise startled him, so he started to run, but he just ran into the
bag and kept running with this bag on his head blindly around the
apartment until he smacked into a wall. Ha! Ok, let’s all do another shot
for that story.
| #2: King Croesus of Lydia |
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Look, I’m kinda drunk right now and I can’t think of any more cats.
At least not any stupid ones, I mean. Like jaguars, are they stupid? What
about mountain lions? Or zebras? Are zebras even cats?
Sos yeah while I come
up with another stupid bird let’s talk about Croesus, cuz he was stupid.
Also, I never read anything about him that specifically said he wasn’t
a cat, so just as technically there’s no rule against dogs playing
basketball, technically I can say the King of ancient Lydia was a
kitty-cat.
So yeah, Croesus, you idiot. What the hell? You sucked at minting
money even though you were rich as hell, and Apollo probably just felt bad
for you.
Oh, and Croesus is the one who went to the Oracle of Delphi and
asked if he should attack Persia. The Oracle was all like: “if you do, a
great army will fall” and Croesus just skipped off to invade without even
asking which army she meant by that and promptly got his ass
kicked, cuz he was as dumb as a zebra.
Also, WTF, Oracle? What kind of psychic are you? If 2 “great armies”
attack each other, yeah, one is going to lose. Duh. You’re clearly a
fraud, why don’t you move out of that cave and get a real job,
idiot.
So, yeah. I think
that’s 2 shots there, I don’t know, I lost count. Well, on to number one…
.
.
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| # 1 is Cyrus the Great, Croesus was a distant second. |
| #1: Zebras |
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Zebras are the stupidest cats in the world. First off: what’s with
the stripes? They think stripes make them look cool like a tiger but
they’re just boring ol black and white. Bumblebees look cooler than they
do. We’re taking another shot for those stupid stripes now.
You guys know how dumb of a cat zebras are? They suck so much at
being cats they’re not even cats. Seriously, I looked it up.
They’re some other kind of animal, birds I guess. So yeah, not only do
zebras fail at even being cats, they actually get eaten by other cats!
That has got to be the stupidest cat ever, right? So k lets all take
nother shot for zebracats not being even cats even, and then go make a cup
of coffee and lay down awhile cuz we’re not feelin too good rightnoww
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| Stupidest cats ever! |
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